Bloopers

Today I was blessed with a number of EMS bloopers that ended up being inconsequential and sort of amusing. Only one was not my doing. While in dispatch this morning, a crew called in to request that the homeowner secure their “very aggressive, angry dog”. In the background we could plainly the high-pitched bark of a dog that couldn’t have been more than 8lbs. When my coworker called them back to confirm that the dog in the background was the dog that they were referring to, they answered with an affirmative, that they could not enter the residence until the dog was secured… and the yip of something the size of a miniature poodle could still be heard over their voices.
My oopses were as follows:

cell block seizures

Last night we transported the worst seizure faker I’ve ever seen. She was in the county jail, which was suspect to begin with, since the most common get-out-of-jail medical excuse is a faked seizure. As soon as we walked in to the cell, we both knew that it was an act. A new employee once asked me how I knew if it was a real seizure or not. I told her that real seizures make your skin crawl when you see them. They’re just… creepy. Fake ones are as not spooky as seeing someone shiver. Of course, gut feeling only gets you so far and is not very effective as a CYA tool, so there were a few diagnostic tests to be done.
The first was the ammonia capsule. That sucker is pungent! Harmless, but pungent. She immediately pushed it away with her supposedly seizing hands and turned her head the other way. That’s an action of a conscious person in control of their extremeties. Next was the fact that she was follow our movements with her eyes, which were focussed and alert. One last thing to do… get her on our cot. Someone who is dead weight and not in control of their muscles is entirely different to move than someone who is even partially awake. Conscious people help you move them, unconsciously. They support their head and arms, they keep their legs in a comfortable position, and they just don’t feel like heavy jello. When I swung her non-shaking legs off the bench onto the floor, I could feel her helping (not to mention that her arms were still shaking but not her legs.) Another thing about people having seizures is that they don’t usually follow commands, even if they want to. We grabbed her under each arm, told her to put her feet down and stand up, and lo and behold, she could stand, turn, and sit down on the cot. An IV, O2, and monitor later (CYA, remember) we were off to the hospital, and she kept “seizing” all the way there.
Got out of jail? Yup. In shackles and deputy escort.
Going back? Yup. After a catheter, blood draw, and a whoppin ambulance bill paid by you and me. We’re such nice people.